mirror

i had a bit of a breakdown in december. nothing to really write home about, since no one was physically injured, no cops needed to be called, and no affidavits were filed.

one of the results was that i took yet another step back from the bretheren, here and elsewhere; i needed the cloak of distancing. standing a few steps away allowed me to lick some wounds without prying eyes, but it also caused me to see that some folks are really really bitter, and not even about just the group. these folks are bitter about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. as an .org, sdas profess to have a particular hope. from some of these folks' tack, it would seem the hope is specific to the earth's destruction, to that one solitary fact. i find that rather depressing, and i don't want to end up like that.

yeah i know i can't change folk, and i can't change the world, but the idiot who said "i can make a dent," or something utterly inane along those lines, had a point. besides, doesn't hebrews (book of the bible, in case you aren't familiar) talk about faith and how it is a matter of acting on things that haven't happened yet? and don't sdas profess to believe said booklet? if so, why is there so much bitterness and cynicism? and i can ask these questions, as i am bitter and a cynic. however even though my credo is "life's a bitch and then you die" (and yes i stole it from others), i still hope, and i still act on that hope. i go out on limbs, knowing they will break under my weight, but hoping that at least i'll be able to touch the fruit's skin before i fall.

just a bit of prior softness ameliorates the ground's impact, kinda makes it worth it. hey, i'm funny like that.

pause

i am enjoying the now, that is certain. but it mars my enjoyment to consider the future, so i try as much as i can to leave the future in the future and just rest in the now.

however that does not seem to work. if it isn't the future looming indistinctly and vaguely menacingly, there is the past sneaking up to sink its dirty fangs into my pie. every way i turn there is some forboding THING.

so now, do i continue to struggle? i mean who knows but that these could be shades like in a christmas carol, here for my help and not my harm. perhaps i am doomed to repeat unless i exorcise?

anyone out there know a worthy priest? because i'd like to enjoy my present without impediment. at least for a little while.

dry wells

sometimes you give away so much of yourself, over so much time, that you don't have very much left over. i don't claim to be an altruist. what i am is well trained. from birth i've been trained to give to others, to do for others, to put myself last, "to esteem others higher than" myself.

when pavlov's dog heard the bell, it salivated. when i sense a hint of a request, i say yes. even to my detriment.

and upon realizing that, the pendulum has begun to swing the other way. i still take requests, i still help on command, but i'm empty of an internal motivation. in fact sometimes i'm extremely bitter about being trained to let myself get used up.

i was asked what i see when i look in the mirror. my external response was _________, but my internal response was: when i look into the mirror, i see nothing. there isn't anything left; i'm all used up.

...

in other news, i've been seeing a bean. we're just friends, no more, no less. and we could be more, but i'm tired of giving just to assuage someone else's need/want/desire.

...it would be nice to find out my own needs/wants/desires, and not have them all tangled up with those of others.

wine

...i realize that i'm quite angry with you. well, i've known that for a while, but the reason why cyrstallized for me just now. i'm angry with you because i thought we were friends. i really did. i thought we were friends and then you cut me dead in the street. not just once but repeatedly. i didn't think i had done you wrong, you never said i had done you wrong. in fact there was no explanation at all. just the snubs.

but that wasn't all. after the slights, there came the petty rudenesses, the little digs, and the sarcasm. i couldn't figure it out, and let me tell you, i really tried to. was it my new job? did you feel abandoned? what?? but you never said. when i tried to ask, you cut me off; i guess you just couldn't take the time. was i no longer worth it? was our friendship no longer worth it?

i was really hurt. there were some days when i was almost in tears. but after a while, the hurt solidified and changed. deep down i suppose i'm still hurt. however now the hurt has become anger. anger because i cared, and apparently you didn't. anger because i left myself open towards you, and apparently it was sufficient for you to take advantage of the opening.

i realized, through half-closed eyes

so i go these meetings, and when i come out, sometimes there is a profound sense of dis-equilibration. for example today:

--it seemed like le docteur was saying that i should assimilate to the culture that i am in, instead of the culture that i am from; but why should i be the odd man out?; what makes the culture où je suis, any more valid than the culture d'où je suis?

--even though something is normal, does that mean that i have to indulge?; the discussion on marriage was on the table and i feel no need to get married because of how i see it, and it seemed like le docteur was trying to ferret out a reason for the slight abnormality, after all marriage is a norm; but why can't i be one of those people who have no desire to indulge?

yeah i recognize that i have a couple quirks; i have problems with my current denomination, i have problems with my parental units, and those two are probably at the root of my other little quirks. so in that respect i'm appreciative of the time i spend sur le canapé. at the same time, there are moments when i wonder how helpful it's all going to be in the final analysis...

...sleep...

sleep is very important. i know because i read it in a book. then i read it in a magazine. also, my mom used to tell me so. therefore it's got to be true.

...

these last couple of days i'm running on serious sleep deficit (<--did i spell that right?). i know this because i can't concentrate, i'm ready to bite folks' heads off when they say good morning/hello/how are ya, i'm sleepy all the time, and all i really want for easter is an caffeine iv shunt. and the horrible thing is that i haven't been going to bed late; i've been in bed at a reasonable hour but i don't sleep well. i wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, i toss and turn, it's really kind of frustrating. i'd be rebellious and just stay up all night (because what's the use of going to bed early if there isn't a pay off), but then i might just get into a car accident on the way to work, and that would not even be worth the hassle.

but here's the funny thing. i wake up before my alarm goes off. AND. i don't have a problem getting out of bed these past few days.

so should i really complain...?