tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-132776252024-03-13T10:41:23.263-05:00Verbal TherapyWorking my way through the maze, one shock at a time.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.comBlogger233125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-46830593799516364142012-06-01T08:17:00.002-05:002012-06-01T08:17:57.822-05:00muscles unusedI no longer keep a journal.<br />
On paper the words became too powerful<br />
...and yet not powerful enough to express the roiling chaos,<br />
because I did not want to deal with<br />
those feelings.<br />
<br />
And now I have less of a choice.<br />
Or rather my choices come down to acceptance<br />
of eating glass,<br />
Or melting that glass and blowing a goblet for holding key limes.<br />
<br />
But the paper is insecure.<br />
<br />
This electronic medium, though less stable, reflects my instability.<br />
<br />
I will try.<br />
<br />
Here.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-41672911435027660622011-12-01T08:01:00.000-05:002011-12-01T08:01:28.087-05:00juxtaposeda new month<br />
<br />
where is the anticipation?<br />
<br />
-a new slate to write on-<br />
<br />
instead, the creeping dread<br />
<br />
more time spent herebeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-79884073152334515882011-11-16T08:22:00.000-05:002011-11-16T08:22:23.010-05:00mime in transitiontoday i go through the motions<br />
<br />
hoping<br />
<br />
that eventually<br />
<br />
the lie will become the truthbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-13160435173316383792011-10-15T06:57:00.002-05:002011-10-15T06:57:00.519-05:00anatomymy heart hurts<br />
<br />
mythical organ that is the seat of emotion<br />
<br />
actual organ that does no more than move blood<br />
<br />
i don't know<br />
<br />
my chest, under my ribs, is full of pain<br />
<br />
my eyes, full of tearsbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-65591330457989302622011-10-12T06:56:00.000-05:002011-10-12T06:56:23.966-05:00back forthhe says "i'm tired of being a parent."<br />
<br />
she says "i'm tired of being a second wife and a step mom." <br />
<br />
he means that being responsible is a hard job.<br />
<br />
she means that not being first choice is a hard job.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-64324935973489466672011-09-28T20:42:00.002-05:002011-09-28T20:42:35.201-05:00whiplashthat sudden change in direction<br />
<br />
no time to adjust<br />
<br />
and now i drink myself to sleep.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-11173384300056191532011-08-17T08:42:00.002-05:002011-08-17T08:42:00.997-05:00post-party letdowni keep finding pieces of myself<br />
<br />
and since i have no place to put them<br />
<br />
i throw them in the trash.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-21330178964199774592011-08-15T08:41:00.000-05:002011-08-15T08:41:00.578-05:00gravity fieldsdrop a coin and watch it spiral down<br />
<br />
the exhibit outside the theater<br />
<br />
showing science and collecting charity offerings<br />
<br />
via an inverted cone.<br />
<br />
the event horizon<br />
<br />
even light is too slow and powerless to escape<br />
<br />
why should i be any different?<br />
<br />
at the center the singularity<br />
<br />
viewers see me coming to a standstill<br />
<br />
but i am crushed to bits and pulled apart<br />
<br />
by forces i don't understand.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-15233691270381423742011-08-11T08:40:00.000-05:002011-08-11T08:40:00.434-05:00meteredi have a reputation to keep up<br />
<br />
to maintain<br />
<br />
feelings to contain<br />
<br />
bottle up<br />
<br />
against the tide of honesty <br />
<br />
threatening to breach levees<br />
<br />
previously certified <br />
<br />
by a core of engineersbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-48302908405367792052011-08-09T08:39:00.000-05:002011-08-09T08:39:00.190-05:00jasminethe picture<br />
<br />
it hurts to look<br />
<br />
because even if i could go back<br />
<br />
it would never be the same<br />
<br />
hot sun<br />
<br />
wood under my back<br />
<br />
sleeping free and clearbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-90051488986317901432011-08-05T08:36:00.000-05:002011-08-05T08:36:46.399-05:00somewherein my brain i really think<br />
<br />
that if i asked him to choose between them and me<br />
<br />
he'd choose them.<br />
<br />
inside my brain<br />
<br />
surrounded by penguins<br />
<br />
i'm crying.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-35447148638879457782011-07-20T07:41:00.002-05:002011-07-20T07:41:44.308-05:00blueberriesscooping up rice with my hands<br />
<br />
is not as easy as scooping up blueberries<br />
<br />
(blueberries are bigger; don't fall out as much)<br />
<br />
thoughts in my head are rice grains<br />
<br />
sliding through my fingersbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-32971934653094367272011-07-14T11:55:00.002-05:002011-07-14T11:55:50.364-05:00alicethe blank page <br />
<br />
stares back<br />
<br />
mocking me by it's emptiness<br />
<br />
mirroring what i see in the glassbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-11670206348006067762011-07-12T11:06:00.000-05:002011-07-12T11:06:28.211-05:00glad to not be in chargethere are some times when i want the end of the world<br />
<br />
to be now.<br />
<br />
all the wrongs to be righted<br />
<br />
all the tears to be wiped<br />
<br />
all the hearts made whole again<br />
<br />
under the divine hand.<br />
<br />
those times war with the times where i want the world to last forever<br />
<br />
as it is<br />
<br />
as long as i get a chance to prosper.beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-91165209561350870602011-06-17T09:07:00.003-05:002011-06-17T09:07:00.215-05:00slack tideit's not morbidity<br />
<br />
but i don't believe that i will live forever<br />
<br />
even tomorrow is a dream, that perhaps i won't<br />
<br />
perhaps i won't chose to wake from the dream that is today<br />
<br />
today's evil is more than enoughbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-1085816825940119602011-06-15T09:10:00.001-05:002011-06-15T09:10:00.362-05:00parthenolatry?i don't know if it is me that has changed, or you.<br />
<br />
did we just grow apart?<br />
<br />
if we had stayed together, if i had chosen to continue my blind love<br />
<br />
would we still kneel at the feet of these foreign gods?<br />
<br />
would we have turned towards something more brilliant?<br />
<br />
something more pure and childlike?beanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-91103567941269371602011-06-13T09:06:00.000-05:002011-06-13T09:06:00.630-05:00outside thingsthis season i am trying container gardening<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI4a6xXBtF6buX4vwKMtpxhEhf-2e5WMe9hy5SdC57uq2qOlrn-l9_0ZPx3OvZjHz5azXx7MiRTssC8n6zu7Q5gqDlrICd2TlGHeiw3kxprre9lE2Dvx1iwZ5aSTILScnPTzdh/s1600/beetandtomatosprouts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI4a6xXBtF6buX4vwKMtpxhEhf-2e5WMe9hy5SdC57uq2qOlrn-l9_0ZPx3OvZjHz5azXx7MiRTssC8n6zu7Q5gqDlrICd2TlGHeiw3kxprre9lE2Dvx1iwZ5aSTILScnPTzdh/s320/beetandtomatosprouts.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
beets and tomatos<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSOds03jLVkurKUvgzDMVaE0jMhmJI59qMJOt74htFTH1NAxby03UK4765gx9T7KXllUwaZDGpKJsjCRV9Ra_WATJv9T6dtqE3aEY9SsUjpW2oSRMA9Cd1hpbEvt2eT8sx9nL8/s1600/beetspouts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSOds03jLVkurKUvgzDMVaE0jMhmJI59qMJOt74htFTH1NAxby03UK4765gx9T7KXllUwaZDGpKJsjCRV9Ra_WATJv9T6dtqE3aEY9SsUjpW2oSRMA9Cd1hpbEvt2eT8sx9nL8/s320/beetspouts.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
i do not really expect to eat anything from the containers,<br />
but i like the way they look; green and verdant; alivebeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-31195037047121350182011-06-09T09:07:00.001-05:002011-06-09T09:07:00.420-05:00fever dreamin my dreams<br />
<br />
i exchange the green shadow of trees for the blue satin of the ocean<br />
<br />
the smell of tar and asphalt<br />
<br />
for the tang of salt on the airbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-79540088557583848372011-06-07T09:06:00.001-05:002011-06-07T09:06:00.870-05:00illusioni dream of being better<br />
<br />
of leaving anger and dispair by the wayside<br />
<br />
my reality<br />
<br />
crushes my dreams<br />
<br />
one night at a timebeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-70586427895454884102011-06-03T08:06:00.002-05:002011-06-03T08:06:58.656-05:00no compass?wending through the thicket<br />
<br />
of words<br />
<br />
images translated to the page<br />
<br />
sometimes i fear i will lose my waybeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-81680209370490290432011-06-01T08:19:00.001-05:002011-06-01T08:19:00.479-05:00skintighttwo minds<br />
<br />
two selves even<br />
<br />
janus and doorways, but not<br />
<br />
i can't split myself down the middle and live, macro mitosis isn't my thing<br />
<br />
the divergence gets bigger, further apart<br />
<br />
neither side has the solutionbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-3137508044248982242011-05-30T08:19:00.000-05:002011-05-30T08:19:09.280-05:00at tablei'm going through the movements<br />
<br />
and losing my tastebuds<br />
<br />
everything tastes like unsalted, cold, overcooked rice<br />
<br />
that i'm too tired to eatbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-67826836537205517982011-05-26T08:49:00.001-05:002011-05-26T08:49:34.971-05:00terrariumsurrounded by glass<br />
<br />
i should be happy<br />
<br />
at least there are air ventsbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-145915696899795162011-05-24T09:50:00.000-05:002011-05-24T09:50:41.896-05:00awkward presentationapostasy <br />
--4 syllables<br />
unfaithful<br />
--3 syllables<br />
liar<br />
--2 syllables<br />
wrong<br />
--1 syllable<br />
<br />
although, liar isn't exactly unfaithful, at least not all of the time<br />
and wrong could be taken many ways<br />
<br />
the shorter, less succinct version is that i no longer am confident of much<br />
regarding myself<br />
and my faith<br />
such as it isbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13277625.post-40005707164705978742011-05-18T12:50:00.000-05:002011-05-18T12:50:26.872-05:00sunrisewhen i talk to you,<br />
<br />
afterwards, i remember<br />
<br />
beautiful musicbeanchildhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11627806896006231989noreply@blogger.com0