reasons

why i am an angry beanchild:

one of them is that i am impotent.

and i've realized that since i was unable to keep my green turtle piggybank from breaking all those times. it was a present from my dad, and it broke multiple times. but i couldn't keep it from breaking.

i've realized my impotence also from the times i was unable to do anything right. whatever i did, wasn't good enough to earn my dad's love. i made some mistakes on a consistent basis, but if i wasn't making those, i was making new and improved ones. unable to do things right. and being told this on a regular basis.

impotence sucks. now i'm glad that i am unitiated into the rites and mysteries of sex. it would just break me if i was impotent in that regard as well.

...the mind is a wonderfully strange thing. i have no idea if those things which i have just related have anything to do with reality. who knows if i but dreamed those incidents? but real or not, they have contributed to the seething with rage beanchild that i am, i was, and i will be, until i am healed.

selah. ainsi soit-il. amen.

war of the worlds?

why is it always "us" against "them?" blacks vs whites, les francais vs les beurs, men vs women, adventists vs catholics. what is the deal?

i see the same folk who speak on unity, disparage whole groups on the basis of a few individuals. what the hell is this?

how can you say "peace" & "grace" out of one side of your mouth and then say "stupid" & "brain-dead" out of the same side? does not your grace extend to them, the "other?" or does your two-facedness mean that you have the same fear of "them" that you say "they" have of you?

you claim to have the truth. surely this was not revealed to you overnight. surely it took time, and prayer, and struggle against things you used to hold dear. why won't you allow the same time & space to the "other?" why is it that you must be believed, that your view must become their view? what kind of indoctrination camp are you trying to run, who speak so vehemently against "their" (<-- ah! that ambiguous and all-inclusive word) camp of inculcation?


...forget y'all. everyone should think like me.

a little high a little low_2

yesterday was a high. and i had faith that it would last, and not be fleeting. alas but my faith was misplaced.

last night began the low that continues today. unfortunately tis but the cycle that continues.

when i'm up, i don't believe that the low will come; i don't believe that i need any help whatsoever with whatever this is. and when i'm low, the lethargy & lassitude works against any progress being made.

it's not even that i don't fight against the progression. i do. but my fight is boxing against the air. wrestling the water. all my efforts are tainted against success.

i wonder as i wander

i broke rank and went to a methodist church this past weekend. yup, fire and brimstone should have rained down from the sky and burnt me to a crisp. at least that is what the indoctrination has subliminally inculcated into my brain. but there was no sudden lightning bolt.

the church was smaller than what i have been experiencing these past 6 years. the hymns were pretty much what we sing. the order of service pretty much like ours. but there was no "hoopin & hollerin," and the sermon was short and to-the-point.

and i learned a few things there. 1 thing during the sermon that made sense of a confusing bible passage (matt 16:18's rock being peter's confession), and 1 thing of revelation (elevating the offering as a type of the crucifixion).

but how can anything good come out of galilee; how can any truth come out of a denomination other than ours?! the arrogance & perhaps even bigotry becomes painfully clearer. mea maxima culpa, because i thought i was above it. "...i am no better than my fathers," 1 kings 19:4 (last part).

silence

ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says that there is a time for everything. today i witnessed an exchange, and i wanted to say: hey maybe blah blah blah. you know, make excuses for the absent party. but then i kept silent. why? because there are undercurrents that i am not aware of. and things have gone on, of which i am ignorant.

when i know, then i will speak. otherwise, i will try to be water, flowing around, over, under, whatever it takes to go my own way. principle of aikido, harmony. i am putting it in action. also i believe it is the principle as described in romans 12:18, harmony.