Wednesday, December 14, 2005

sins of the father...

every now and then, i really want to delicately and gently tell someone off because of something they've done to me. but not only that. i want them to grovel a little, and tell me how sorry they are. and then i want to make them feel unworthy and small and inept. then after another suite of apologies, i want to tell them that all is well.

after a wait of some time, when their actions flip my switch i want to tell them off again, and bring up this particular incident so that they can grovel, er apologise, for it just a little bit more.

lastly, although i'll say i forgive them, i'll always reserve the right to bring up this incident and any more that come along. not only that, but i will use my right to re-hash those mealy old potatoes.

all in all, it's a kind of cyclic thing. but not a complete circle, more of a spiral outwards.

and as much as i really want to do the above mentioned items, i do not. why? perhaps because of God's grace. i'd like to believe that inspite of what i may be feeling at any particular time, a good work is being completed in me. piece by jagged piece.

Friday, December 02, 2005

tangled web

have i woven a tangled web? have i practised to deceive? yes and yes. it hit me yesterday.

deception for self-preservation is still deception. does it matter that i am trying to make it truth? cat on a hot tin roof. beatiful play. tennessee williams has my vote. in fact he shares the top spot with edward albee. close second being shakespeare. but i digress.

or perhaps my deception is allowing me to be true. i wonder. at first it seemed so. the first one i admit yes. that is truth, not lie. but the second one was lie for lie's sake. and perhaps also for self-preservation. but now it is proving problematic.

options: 1. unravel and begin again, 2. continue along the way but put out no new shoots, 3. make it truth, 4. walk away and call it done...