Wednesday, April 30, 2008

sea at dawn

angst. anger. sadness. confusion. versus what? what is the opposite of angst, contentment? what about the opposing number for anger? i'm not sure. but i suppose happiness is the opposite of sadness, and clear-headedness the opposite of confusion. /end of digression you didn't even realize was in progress. lol.

i wonder if i am not the wrong bean to complement the bean i'm currently with. the bean is "in love," by its own admission. the bean is "greedy" for time with me, again outing itself. while i... i enjoy our time together, i care greatly for the bean, i would give my kidney and over 50% of my liver if the bean needed it, i am willing to change the way i grow for this bean. and at the same time, i enjoy my time away. i am not wanting to be with the bean all the time.

...what does all that mean?

am i lying to myself? is it the habit of years come into the forefront again, where i squish myself to the point of pain for the benefit/good of another, while ignoring the personal discomfort? or is it the fear that if i swim out past where i can touch the sandy bottom, that i will catch a leg cramp and drown? if i allow myself to be "in love" and ask for more of this bean, will i end up having to collect the already-broken-but-superglued-back-together-because-hope-springs-eternal pieces of myself one more time and try to fit them into some semblance of a whole?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

dark glass

it's been one of those 3-or-so-weeks. you know, the ones where i find myself less and less able to cope with the day to day vicissitudes. those perturbances such as getting out of bed and going to work, remembering to eat meals, and people saying hello. things like that.

so although thus far it hasn't made me feel any better, i have donated (yesterday and today) to a couple of charitable orgs. i figured it was better than heading to the hardware, shoe, or (insert fav place to drop cash), store.

not that i plan to donate while depressed on a regular basis, 'cause that would be all sorts of fiscally irresponsible. but i would like to give on a regular basis. you know, try and do my part, etc., etc.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

looking out

i'm on a train. one of those high-speed trains where the signs on the platform say: caution, runs quiet and fast. those signs are deceptive in a way. they don't quite carry the essence of the energy contained by one of those trains, especially if they are an express passing your station and you happen to be waiting. i have no question that if i stand too close i will be easily sucked over as the train goes by. and while the trains are quiet, as opposed to those lumbering cargo trains, it's a powerful quiet that leaves you breathless after it has passed.

i'm not on the platform though. i'm on the train itself, watching the scenery flow past. i'm riding in comfort and yet... i look forward to the destination with a delicious anticipation and yet...

couldn't we just stop the train for a moment? just a pause for me to catch my breath and maybe smell the air?

i'm drunk with travel and am stumbling over my feet.