dry wells

sometimes you give away so much of yourself, over so much time, that you don't have very much left over. i don't claim to be an altruist. what i am is well trained. from birth i've been trained to give to others, to do for others, to put myself last, "to esteem others higher than" myself.

when pavlov's dog heard the bell, it salivated. when i sense a hint of a request, i say yes. even to my detriment.

and upon realizing that, the pendulum has begun to swing the other way. i still take requests, i still help on command, but i'm empty of an internal motivation. in fact sometimes i'm extremely bitter about being trained to let myself get used up.

i was asked what i see when i look in the mirror. my external response was _________, but my internal response was: when i look into the mirror, i see nothing. there isn't anything left; i'm all used up.

...

in other news, i've been seeing a bean. we're just friends, no more, no less. and we could be more, but i'm tired of giving just to assuage someone else's need/want/desire.

...it would be nice to find out my own needs/wants/desires, and not have them all tangled up with those of others.