Monday, May 19, 2008

not lucid

je me trouve un peu coincé. je regarde par les fenêtres et je ne vois que des autres mûrs. je ne vois même le ciel. mais je sais que le ciel existe...

maybe because i did not sleep enough this weekend... perhaps the links between myself et l'autre. too much feedback isn't any good, no matter how positive/negative/neutral?

i find myself sliding down into le trou once again. this time it is a slow decline. et je le vois et je ne peux pas m'arrêter. and my head contains all of the waters in the world. je me noie.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


it's a funny thing, how one doesn't know what kind of support one actually needs until one reaches out and is denied that support. not a denial stemming from malice; one will give the benefit of the doubt and say it is a denial stemming from ignorance.

it is rather like walking into a door that one thought would have opened, or been already open. the sudden physical shock, the mental surprise, the faint chagrin, and the hope no one noticed. the resolution, perhaps subconscious, to make certain the door is open next time.

which brings one to the next point. continuing the door analogy, does one now avoid that particular port of ingress/egress? not saying one avoids the building altogether; that would be silly.

one discards the analogy, and asks the questions: is it a deal-breaker?, does one need to discuss the incident and the implicit "need" that was not met?

the funny flash-point words and phrases... i know i have mine. so does l'autre. sometimes it becomes difficult to speak due to the wealth of landmines inherent in the conversation.


and in other news, there will be a slight format change this month. from time to time i will be posting bits of my writing. i will tag them before and behind, so that the reader will have the choice to skip or not skip. as always, gare à toi, lecteur. if after reading, your eyes burn and water, do not blame me.

Friday, May 09, 2008

huis clos

i'm still learning i guess. how to share myself without losing myself, that sort of thing. when to give, and when to say, enough.

i forget how tough it is to do that kind of balancing until once again i hit a wall. and most of the time, it is so tough that i wimp out and assume the position. yes, subsume, consume me. and i will move my face and body until we both believe that i am a willing participant.

and then afterwards, the familiar feeling of nausea...

today i found myself speaking with other people's voices. it was my mouth moving, but their tones, and their words. not that much of a surprise i suppose. if i can't find myself, if i don't try hard enough, if i default to being a chameleon often enough, this is the result. so many masks that the essence is lost, diluted to the point of impotence.

...en avaunt!