familiar

absence... a void is not there for long, something always fills it; this is nature's way. a tree falls, leaving a space. moss fills the space, ferns fill the space, flowers, and finally another tree? why not.

an entire week of absence. and what has filled the space? a varied see-saw of hope and fear. dreams, illusions, what is the real? is the root strong enough? is there even a root?

she says the longing springs from the broken routine... is that all it is? should one search for anything more? is that enough?

need

upon reflection, i need to have people love me. to have them demonstrate their love for me. i am the type of bean to throw gloves over the balcony into the lion pit and expect another bean to climb down, risking life and limb, to retrieve them. (not that i wear gloves, because i don't; i find them a little... outré.)

and the need to have les preuves d'amour is greater than my need to give them. i'd be quite content to be surrounded by love, and not have to return it.

shower me with love, but don't ask me to give you anything back.

yes. that is kind of bean i am.

éteindre le feu

i was unaware that my thought lines were keeping me in needless captivity. i was seated at the fire, enjoying the shadows playing on the walls, but i refused to go outside to see the real thing.

and then my fire was doused and stronger hands than mine forced me to go into the light.

it burns, ah how it burns!

but even through the tears blurring my vision, perhaps i see that to be in the light is ever more satisfying than to be in the dark. perhaps i see that whereas i thought i was doing what was good, to feel the sun on my skin is more good.

to sleep, to dream

mon cher, i dreamt of you last night. you put your arms around me and all was right with my world once again.

i asked you where you had been, and why the silence? and you had no answer but your smile and your warmth.

and then i woke up this morning. it was all a dream. you are still gone away, and all i have are tattered, crumbling fragments of memory that cut me when i think on them.

quote... sort of

"damn it jim, i'm a doctor, not a [insert title here]!"

i always liked that line, even though i can't for the life of me remember how it ended or which episode(s) it came from.

most likely because i want to say it often enough that it could be my stress mantra. of course, i'm not a doctor. ...i tried to be, you know. but then my mind melted a little under the stress and i opted out.

security!

right then.

a bit of a problem the other day. one of those "you're an idiot, no wait, i'm an idiot, no wait, can someone tell me what just happened here?" type of problems. it wasn't serious, but the after effects are sticking around much longer than anticipated. and i care, i really do. i just can't seem to make that caring get past the inside security check points to reach the blue sky outside.

and speaking of, security check points are seriously a pain. take off your shoes, take off your belt, take off your jacket, take off your pants. i mean come on, it's an x-ray machine, isn't it? you should be able to tell me what i ate for breakfast, even with my shoes on.

at any rate. mind-reading is hardly an exact science. perhaps that is the underlying issue.