rules and regulations

i'm not so good at following rules. seventh day adventists have a lot of rules, even though many are implicit and understood, rather than codified and written out. because of the emphasis on rules, it follows that many adherents end up with a picture of the divine as one who keeps a tally of dids and did-nots, and only the ones with a certain percentage of dids gets into "the kingdom."

this is not an accurate picture. in fact, i say it's a false picture.

looking through the old and new testament, there is a picture of a strange divine, one who wants nothing more than being loved by it's creations. "wants nothing more," as if that was a small thing. it's a huge thing. it's something that i wish i understood, but i don't. it is a foreign concept. in english, love is a word applied alike to salad, family, and objects like the '04 corvette. am i supposed to apply the same substance as used here --> "i love my frog tree yarn," in this situation also --> "i love the divine?" huh?

but i digress. what i wanted to say was that given that the divine isn't a tally-keeper, and given that some rules have no contextual importance except to make lines in the sand between folk (i keep more rules than you = i am better than you), why then should i be concerned with keeping them for the mere sake of keeping them? i don't think i should. there should be a deeper reason for the keeping or rejecting.

switched on

read this article from a guy who served a tour in iraq and now misses being in that moment. life was more stark contrasts, and adrenaline made the colors brighter. and inspite of that last sentence of mine, read the article anyway. lol!

...having read it... i think he makes good points. the brain is a funny thing imo, and it does funny things to keep sanity.

i got a friend over there. i wonder when he gets back, after a bit of time has passed, if he'll have a similar point of view...

what'dhapp'n'dwas

so it probably wasn't as close a call as i thought it was. there was no honking, and no sound of braking.

however i did feel a sinking feeling in my stomach when i realized that i had come much closer than i had wanted to hitting a school bus. yup, i had a close call with a school bus this morning on my way to work. i got to the corner, saw the yellow passenger bird coming down the street and scooted out, figuring that it was coming to pick up the ones under the age of consent who were waiting at said corner. but i was mistaken, because that bus surely did not even stop.

oops.

note to self: leave the house earlier and this type of scenario will not be a problem at all.

whyfores

it's really not all that complicated. i'm crazy. <-- that explains it all.

but besides that très obvious fact, the reason that it's not complicated is my lack of faith in my fellow bean. since i don't have faith, things that others may take for granted i do not. sure you might have faith that the sun will come up, that gravity works, love will be constant, etc. ... i, on the other hand, hope that those things occur. when they do, i am pleasantly surprised, but i don't take them for granted. because who knows but that the sun has already shrunken like a dried piece of cheese and tomorrow marks the beginning of cold darkness...

anotherside is that i mourn the loss of the love, and i have controlling stock in suction cup shoes, even if they are not necessary. do you see how this might put a crimp in my life?

...but tis more than a crimp; it sets me adrift in the interconnectedness. the philotic links are but an attractive dream...

forget pouring me another, just give me the damn bottle.

père et fils

read this article today on mel brooks. actually mel brooks' son. ...more acurately, the son's take on the changed relationship between him and his dad, and how in some ways it parallels the relationship between him and his own son.

makes me a whole lot of apprehensive about what would happen if i was in a similar situation. because honestly i would want to do like in my fair lady -->

The Lord above made man to help his neighbor-but
With a little bit of luck, With a little bit of luck,
When he comes around you won't be home! (sauce)

and while i know my filial duty would trump my personal feelings, i'd probably have to go back into therapy to deal with the conflict. family is a strange beast...

tension

...without which one could not play the violin, piano, dulcimer, any manner of stringed instruments...

...between my desire for perfection, and the knowledge of my inability to reach it...

sometimes it's hard to know when to back down...

farm implements

death is a funny thing... you know it's inevitable, no matter what scientists say, but when it hits, it's still some sort of unpleasant surprise...

short of pulling a dr. frankenstein (or a fitzchivalry), there's not much one can do at that point, except to fall back, regroup, drink to saro, and hope that a better day will dawn...

"better days are comin/ by and by/ when i reach that city lawd/ way up in the sky/ (my) troubles will be over/ i'll be home at last/ better days are comin/ by and by"

...many types of death. death of the body, death of the spirit, death of faith... i think i'd prefer the first, rather than the latter 2. i've seen those three... the first one's the cleanest...

essence of coffeebeans

maybe it's the essence that is desired...

when i say i'm hungry for chocolate, or cashews, perhaps in a way i'm wanting not so much the particular object, but what is associated with that object.

lately i've been wanting to be closer to the parental units, in a geographical sense. but at the same time i realize that would be a disaster in the making (think chernobyl). perhaps what i really want is a return to a time when all things were made well by watching cartoons with mom, or changing the oil with dad. and even then, not a complete return to that time window, but just a return to how i felt in specific moments, that comfort and acceptance, that wholeness...

i think that dead guy was right when he said that happiness resides in moments, instead of any long-term state of mind...