reasons

why i am an angry beanchild:

one of them is that i am impotent.

and i've realized that since i was unable to keep my green turtle piggybank from breaking all those times. it was a present from my dad, and it broke multiple times. but i couldn't keep it from breaking.

i've realized my impotence also from the times i was unable to do anything right. whatever i did, wasn't good enough to earn my dad's love. i made some mistakes on a consistent basis, but if i wasn't making those, i was making new and improved ones. unable to do things right. and being told this on a regular basis.

impotence sucks. now i'm glad that i am unitiated into the rites and mysteries of sex. it would just break me if i was impotent in that regard as well.

...the mind is a wonderfully strange thing. i have no idea if those things which i have just related have anything to do with reality. who knows if i but dreamed those incidents? but real or not, they have contributed to the seething with rage beanchild that i am, i was, and i will be, until i am healed.

selah. ainsi soit-il. amen.