huis clos

i'm still learning i guess. how to share myself without losing myself, that sort of thing. when to give, and when to say, enough.

i forget how tough it is to do that kind of balancing until once again i hit a wall. and most of the time, it is so tough that i wimp out and assume the position. yes, subsume, consume me. and i will move my face and body until we both believe that i am a willing participant.

and then afterwards, the familiar feeling of nausea...

today i found myself speaking with other people's voices. it was my mouth moving, but their tones, and their words. not that much of a surprise i suppose. if i can't find myself, if i don't try hard enough, if i default to being a chameleon often enough, this is the result. so many masks that the essence is lost, diluted to the point of impotence.

...en avaunt!