sea at dawn

angst. anger. sadness. confusion. versus what? what is the opposite of angst, contentment? what about the opposing number for anger? i'm not sure. but i suppose happiness is the opposite of sadness, and clear-headedness the opposite of confusion. /end of digression you didn't even realize was in progress. lol.

i wonder if i am not the wrong bean to complement the bean i'm currently with. the bean is "in love," by its own admission. the bean is "greedy" for time with me, again outing itself. while i... i enjoy our time together, i care greatly for the bean, i would give my kidney and over 50% of my liver if the bean needed it, i am willing to change the way i grow for this bean. and at the same time, i enjoy my time away. i am not wanting to be with the bean all the time.

...what does all that mean?

am i lying to myself? is it the habit of years come into the forefront again, where i squish myself to the point of pain for the benefit/good of another, while ignoring the personal discomfort? or is it the fear that if i swim out past where i can touch the sandy bottom, that i will catch a leg cramp and drown? if i allow myself to be "in love" and ask for more of this bean, will i end up having to collect the already-broken-but-superglued-back-together-because-hope-springs-eternal pieces of myself one more time and try to fit them into some semblance of a whole?