back burner

i am too much of a simpleton to have many things on the front burner of my head. usually i get by on a moment-by-moment schedule. i deal with whatever's fire is biggest and then continue down the chain.

however, lately a couple questions have fought their way up the chain. one in particular is plague-ing me fiercely.

so i struggle with depression. and pain (either muscular or skeletal, the jury is still out). and while i used to avoid pain meds, or meds in general, now i am stocking a pharmacy in my kitchen.

but what i wonder (from time to time, and obviously today is a time) is, how much of me is actually me, and how much is just the chemicals that i take to maintain?

it is a question that sometimes keeps me up at night. and sometimes drives me to the edge of rocking back and forth with my eyes staring blankly ahead.

off the fence

on the subject of prayer...

who can tell whether or not the answer comes about as a result of divine interaction, coincidence, or mind-over-matter? i know i cannot.

and so i choose to believe that coincidences do not happen. ever. and i choose to believe in a divinity that works in ways beyond my comprehension, even to the point of giving us powers that we use only subconsciously.

i also choose to plant my faith in an entity that i have never seen in its entirety. i do believe that i have seen slices here and there, but to say i have seen the divine, in the same sense that i see the apple before me... no i cannot say that.

it's funny about choices...

at one time i put less emphasis in the active choosing. and now, right now, at this exact moment now, i believe in the power of choice. i choose you. and i reaffirm my choice when i see you, and even when i don't.