back burner

i am too much of a simpleton to have many things on the front burner of my head. usually i get by on a moment-by-moment schedule. i deal with whatever's fire is biggest and then continue down the chain.

however, lately a couple questions have fought their way up the chain. one in particular is plague-ing me fiercely.

so i struggle with depression. and pain (either muscular or skeletal, the jury is still out). and while i used to avoid pain meds, or meds in general, now i am stocking a pharmacy in my kitchen.

but what i wonder (from time to time, and obviously today is a time) is, how much of me is actually me, and how much is just the chemicals that i take to maintain?

it is a question that sometimes keeps me up at night. and sometimes drives me to the edge of rocking back and forth with my eyes staring blankly ahead.