Thursday, June 23, 2005


marcel proust wrote a series of books dealing with memory. a la recherche du temps perdus i think is the title. the pivotal idea is that a specific, un-premeditated action can bring back memories that were lost, or closed off to voluntary recall. it's a very cool concept: involuntary memory.

somewhere along the line, i lost 2 years of my memory. 2001 and 2002, i think. i know where i was geographically speaking, and i know i must have been doing the normal daily maintenance activities, because no one filled out a police report on me. but those two years are a blank. i can tell you what was going on in '99, '00, and some of '01, but from may onwards for 2 or so years, things don't exist for me.

somewhere along the line, i lost my way also. i had plans, i had dreams; they're gone. now i go on a day by day basis. planning trips is killer because i have to plan at least 3 weeks in advance if i'm flying and want a decent ticket price. one reason why i ended up driving to dc. i couldn't get myself together to plan.

the pane of my life has shattered and the pieces, although there, don't fit anymore. like the boy in the snow queen who was working on the puzzle and the pieces wouldn't come together.

i'm not even sure when this deterioration happened. or what the cause was. i don't think it happened suddenly... i hope i would have remembered that.

keeping a thought in my head is killer too. as well as thinking in a coherent manner. the few mornings i wake up clear and lucid are days i offer special praise to God.


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