food

i have food issues. <--there, i said it. actually i suppose the greater issue that i have is financial. i was brought up to think that being a "good steward" was very important, imperative in fact. my family has been less-than-wealthy for all of my life. as a result, my desire to save and manage intelligently conflicts with my "need" to have good food, and clothes with no holes in them. because deep down i feel like i shouldn't buy any more clothes than i have, even though they are threadbare and holey. and i feel like i should be able to subsist on air as nourishment. i actually feel slightly guilty buying quality veggies/fruit, because part of me thinks that i should just eat what's cheapest. because if i don't then i'm not being a good steward. and then if i try to convince myself that quality is an important factor, i feel like i'm lying to myself, just trying to excuse my exorbitant spending habits.

it's weird and twisted. i understand this.

the problem now is that the above coupled with my mild depression is helping me to eat unhealthily. which doesn't help anything, mental or physical.

add to that combo a snag in the road to faith as described by hebrews 11:1, and i recognize i'm in a place that i wish to leave.