Verbal Therapy

juxtaposed

2011-12-01T08:01:00.000-05:00

a new month

where is the anticipation?

-a new slate to write on-

instead, the creeping dread

more time spent here

mime in transition

2011-11-16T08:22:00.000-05:00

today i go through the motions

hoping

that eventually

the lie will become the truth

anatomy

2011-10-15T06:57:00.002-05:00

my heart hurts

mythical organ that is the seat of emotion

actual organ that does no more than move blood

i don't know

my chest, under my ribs, is full of pain

my eyes, full of tears

back forth

2011-10-12T06:56:00.000-05:00

he says "i'm tired of being a parent."

she says "i'm tired of being a second wife and a step mom."

he means that being responsible is a hard job.

she means that not being first choice is a hard job.

whiplash

2011-09-28T20:42:00.002-05:00

that sudden change in direction

no time to adjust

and now i drink myself to sleep.

post-party letdown

2011-08-17T08:42:00.002-05:00

i keep finding pieces of myself

and since i have no place to put them

i throw them in the trash.

gravity fields

2011-08-15T08:41:00.000-05:00

drop a coin and watch it spiral down

the exhibit outside the theater

showing science and collecting charity offerings

via an inverted cone.

the event horizon

even light is too slow and powerless to escape

why should i be any different?

at the center the singularity

viewers see me coming to a standstill

but i am crushed to bits and pulled apart

by forces i don't understand.

metered

2011-08-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

i have a reputation to keep up

to maintain

feelings to contain

bottle up

against the tide of honesty

threatening to breach levees

previously certified

by a core of engineers

jasmine

2011-08-09T08:39:00.000-05:00

the picture

it hurts to look

because even if i could go back

it would never be the same

hot sun

wood under my back

sleeping free and clear

somewhere

2011-08-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

in my brain i really think

that if i asked him to choose between them and me

he'd choose them.

inside my brain

surrounded by penguins

i'm crying.

blueberries

2011-07-20T07:41:00.002-05:00

scooping up rice with my hands

is not as easy as scooping up blueberries

(blueberries are bigger; don't fall out as much)

thoughts in my head are rice grains

sliding through my fingers

alice

2011-07-14T11:55:00.002-05:00

the blank page

stares back

mocking me by it's emptiness

mirroring what i see in the glass

glad to not be in charge

2011-07-12T11:06:00.000-05:00

there are some times when i want the end of the world

to be now.

all the wrongs to be righted

all the tears to be wiped

all the hearts made whole again

under the divine hand.

those times war with the times where i want the world to last forever

as it is

as long as i get a chance to prosper.

slack tide

2011-06-17T09:07:00.003-05:00

it's not morbidity

but i don't believe that i will live forever

even tomorrow is a dream, that perhaps i won't

perhaps i won't chose to wake from the dream that is today

today's evil is more than enough

parthenolatry?

2011-06-15T09:10:00.001-05:00

i don't know if it is me that has changed, or you.

did we just grow apart?

if we had stayed together, if i had chosen to continue my blind love

would we still kneel at the feet of these foreign gods?

would we have turned towards something more brilliant?

something more pure and childlike?

outside things

2011-06-13T09:06:00.000-05:00

this season i am trying container gardening

beets and tomatos

i do not really expect to eat anything from the containers,
but i like the way they look; green and verdant; alive

fever dream

2011-06-09T09:07:00.001-05:00

in my dreams

i exchange the green shadow of trees for the blue satin of the ocean

the smell of tar and asphalt

for the tang of salt on the air

illusion

2011-06-07T09:06:00.001-05:00

i dream of being better

of leaving anger and dispair by the wayside

my reality

crushes my dreams

one night at a time

no compass?

2011-06-03T08:06:00.002-05:00

wending through the thicket

of words

images translated to the page

sometimes i fear i will lose my way

skintight

2011-06-01T08:19:00.001-05:00

two minds

two selves even

janus and doorways, but not

i can't split myself down the middle and live, macro mitosis isn't my thing

the divergence gets bigger, further apart

neither side has the solution

at table

2011-05-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

i'm going through the movements

and losing my tastebuds

everything tastes like unsalted, cold, overcooked rice

that i'm too tired to eat

terrarium

2011-05-26T08:49:00.001-05:00

surrounded by glass

i should be happy

at least there are air vents

awkward presentation

2011-05-24T09:50:00.000-05:00

apostasy
--4 syllables
unfaithful
--3 syllables
liar
--2 syllables
wrong
--1 syllable

although, liar isn't exactly unfaithful, at least not all of the time
and wrong could be taken many ways

the shorter, less succinct version is that i no longer am confident of much
regarding myself
and my faith
such as it is

sunrise

2011-05-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

when i talk to you,

afterwards, i remember

beautiful music

fireside

2011-05-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

The old ones tell the young ones not to run

The taste of freedom eats the liver

And then you die

returning

2010-12-02T19:39:00.000-05:00

so in the movie, the princess bride, inigo returns to where they began. he's drunk, in a mostly empty tavern, waiting for fezzik.

i suppose in a way i'm inigo tonight. my usual outlets are stopped up, so the pressure builds.

welcome back.

my navel

2009-12-18T20:34:00.005-05:00

it has been a while, les amis.

i didn't have anything to say really, so i didn't say anything.

i did nanowrimo again, and won again. this year was tough though due to rl concerns.

i like to think i'll be more regular. without the need of prunes. :)

we'll see.

in front of a seurat

2009-09-24T11:20:00.001-05:00

there comes a time when one needs to realize that while the ideal behind the concept "friendship" exists, it should not be confused with the reality of "friendship;" it would be unwise to take the photograph for the original.

in the same way, one should never take the kindness or unkindness of strangers for anything other than what it is, a momentary, tangential, interaction between two distinct "others." what am i to you? a blip in the way of your progress through time. what are you to me? merely the same.

perhaps it is the yearning to return to the "unity" that makes us confused, and apt to read into the "i love you's" more than the "other" is able to mean.

hands raised

2009-08-19T19:48:00.003-05:00

guilty as charged, my friends, guilty as charged!

parading around the courtroom in front of my peers and the judge
admitting my guilt, and freely!

i am guilty of not trying hard enough,
of not believing enough,
of giving in to the darkness.

the sigh of disbelief and the jury stops listening to the defense

we all know there isn't any point
in continuing

except for the farcical value of comedy.

empty space

2009-07-23T07:39:00.002-05:00

one of the hardest things is to be quiet.

to keep silent and yet be encouraging; i elaborate
to extend love and support, and at the same time not say anything

when you really want to say something

to rebuild.

..."words are very unnecessary/they can only do harm" -- depeche mode

brief interlude

2009-07-10T09:03:00.003-05:00

i'm still here. still plugging along bit by bit.

now i have a nest to care for...

who would have thought?

certainly not me.

the penguins are going at half speed, one group in opposition to the other.

confetti left on the floor still, along with the odd party hat, and forgotten shoe.

i'm just glad everyone took their undies with them. ;)

all the differences

2009-05-14T12:22:00.001-05:00

honest answers to honest questions
why then does it feel like lies?

you took the road less traveled
and the vistas before you are places
you never thought you'd see

just because you wouldn't do it again
if given the chance
does not negate the goodness in the current

path

asylum

2009-04-15T13:07:00.001-05:00

the padded walls are for your protection
as is the snug jacket

sure you can see the garden outside
but you can't go
it isn't safe

and we're here for your protection.

yes we told you that you'd be free to do and go and eat
and you can, as long as you do and go and eat what we tell you

because we love you
we want the best for you

and as soon as you realize that, and conform to our rules
then you can go out and convert others
to be just as much sons of satan as we are.

it's for your protection
we love you

catscradle

2009-04-10T08:59:00.001-05:00

familial obligations
are an odd thing
especially as i'm not in the family.
and yet i feel bound
to make the bindings more secure
even to the expense of my individual.

..."what's a boy in love supposed to do?" (erasure)

frère à moi

2009-04-06T08:12:00.012-05:00

the smell of oil and grease

soot from the engine block

his garage in spring

shadows

2009-03-11T08:41:00.004-05:00

and now the bloom is faded from the rose
as the maidenly blush from the virginal cheek
and we pass the salt across the table
with the empty gentleness of weary habituation

there crawled...

2009-03-09T12:46:00.002-05:00

it's the idea that whatever ideas i hold are indestructible incontrovertible truth. therefore, if you disagree, you are the lie.

i have seen this more than twice. i am a witness, even in the traditional sense.

but what can i do? if i argue, i am heretic. and if i am silent, i condone.

is it that horrible to believe that we all see our reflections through a poorly crafted bronze mirror? my ideas are only mine. and the same for yours.

maybe that is the forbidden fruit, beautiful on the outside yet rotten on the vine, the belief that i am not blind, that i am not in darkness, that i am rich beyond belief.

yellow wood

2009-03-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

the thing about honesty is that you can't really do it half-way. at least, i can't do it half-way.

and so i have to decide which way i want to go. am i ready to face the consequences of honesty?

whispering

2009-02-27T08:40:00.001-05:00

you _are_ my east and my west
and my sunday rest
you are the goodness that keeps
evil at bay
which is why
even a word from you
can make the day turn to night
your displeasure, no matter how small
takes the moon away

not now, but soon

2009-02-16T08:38:00.004-05:00

"i got a shoe
you got a shoe
all God's chiren got shoes
when we get to heaven
gonna put on our shoes
gonna walk all over God's heaven
  heaven
    heaven
e'erybody's talkin 'bout heaven and i goin der
  heaven
    heaven
gonna walk all over God's heaven"

...i miss you very much, p...

just before dawn

2009-02-13T09:36:00.000-05:00

wake up, i love you!
echoes over the marsh grass
red-wing blackbird calls

inarticulate

2009-02-04T09:39:00.003-05:00

i always wanted to be
  free
to express myself
  however i felt
    whenever i felt
      to whomever i felt
but that, friends and lovers,
is an option reserved for
    fools
and
    children
...
and my boss

third party review

2009-01-30T16:28:00.001-05:00

that feeling
where the bottom of your gut drops away at the sight of wine stained teeth
now i understand why japanese women blacken their teeth after they marry
the desire instilled by discolor
and the knowledge that the desire won't be quenched
(your water my fire)
can make that much more desire

siren

2009-01-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

seductive darkness that calls my name
your voice is one that is so familiar
and it never fails to make me lean in your direction
you promise things that i know you won't actually give me
and yet i still begin to walk your way
forgetting the other voices that call me towards the blue sky
the light of the sun

i'm tired of fighting

(insert snappy title here)

2009-01-12T16:00:00.001-05:00

users are everywhere, and we are all whores. well, some of us anyway. the rest of us are mere sluts because we put out for free. tsk tsk tsk.

is it worth it? is it worth the deferred dreams; dreams mothballed alongside badly crocheted herb sachets, and broken music boxes?

you know, honesty should keep us from putting the blame all on "them," the clients. after all, don't they whore themselves out to us as well, with the payment not quite as tangible? and don't we use them as well, with the motivation not quite as clear?

sometimes even standing under the shower spray isn't enough to get clean.

feet on the earth

2008-12-22T16:16:00.001-05:00

once again i have fallen from the heights. like the flaming bit of space rock that gets eaten on entry to the atmosphere. but i am still in one piece; not even the smell of char.

not even words can move the gray that surrounds me. it isn't stifling though. it is my old confidante, back to wrap cool arms around me and swaddle me in nothingness.

old wordless songs of quiet despair. i am a child again, being rocked to sleep.

evergreen

2008-12-10T14:09:00.001-05:00

the power of rituals, even when we don't know why everyone has to sit at certain places around the table. when we don't know why the centerpiece has to sit on that old white squared off piece of fabric with the lozenges in the middle.

the power that makes us forget our power of logic and reason; that causes us to shiver behind the thought that the sun might not come back unless the sacrifice, willing, young, and nubile, is offered.

this is a strong power, unmistakable even in our ultra-modern age. we think that we are advanced so far beyond the backward piety, but every year we choose a tree as if it were something other than mere xylem and phloem.

pillow talk

2008-11-05T10:21:00.002-05:00

oh my heart and my love!

you have deceived me, and i am deceived;
you are stronger than i, and have won over me.

i am a mockery, even the birds laugh.

for when i speak, i cry. i cry many tears...

i tell myself, i will not speak of you, i will not even think of you.
but your image in my soul is a burning fire.
i am too weak and i can not fight against it.

(in the spirit of jer 20:7-9)

anonymous note

2008-10-22T08:16:00.003-05:00

i was really really, white-hot, melting point of glass upset with you. because, frankly my love, you were slack.

it was getting hard even to separate your actions from you (love the sinner, hate the sin, and all that).

and then i remembered that we had planned it. i had agreed to help.

now i'm still pissed at the situation. and i still think you are slack. but i do admit that the degree of my emotion has been mitigated; we were supposed to act like a team, and both of us fell down on that.

i'll try and do better.

companion

2008-10-16T10:57:00.000-05:00

smooth, polished with age
and use, cool against my palm
i will walk with you
across the black desert sand
towards the mountains ahead

sadness

2008-10-14T09:09:00.001-05:00

blown sand in my eyes
absorbing the water drops
before they can fall

seasons

2008-10-01T11:36:00.002-05:00

flushed with liquid heat
i see you enter the bar
winter comes early

looking up

2008-09-23T08:14:00.001-05:00

the moon has risen
but i am blind because of
the clouds -- your absence

phone a friend

2008-09-04T08:25:00.002-05:00

sometimes, the... yes i'll use the word burden, of life is heavy.

sometimes, being there for people, even just the act of listening, is more difficult than learning german by living in jamaica.

it crushes, and makes breathing a task you concentrate on.

this is the time to use a lifeline, to phone a friend. not to vent or complain. just to remind yourself that you aren't alone in the dark.

after the beep

2008-08-28T09:27:00.003-05:00

there is the silence that waits for me to fill it with words. those useless words that don't mean anything. sometimes just a check call, like red-winged blackbirds: i'm here, are you?

all i have is silence.

determined silence.

i will not think, i will not feel. if i try hard enough, i will not be.

taking stock

2008-08-20T07:39:00.000-05:00

well then!

you make mistakes, you fall down. you get to your feet, you brush yourself off. and you continue on. as long as your face doesn't recognize the blood from the open wounds, it is not very likely that anyone will bring it to your attention. unless it is one of those busybodies who likes to "help."

help? help? help would have been to tell me that there was an open pothole and for me to take care. help would have been to grab me by the arm and yank (guide) me away.

help is not letting me know that i probably need stitches and that i should probably head to the emergency room. i know all that thank you very much!

i don't need your help! i need you to look away. there is nothing to see here, nothing at all.

wading in water

2008-08-13T12:06:00.004-05:00

i read a book last night. title: the veil lifted; or the romance & reality of convent life. author: eliza smith richardson. year of publication: 1869. <-- no wonder it was in the library's annex.

it is an interesting little thing. it describes convent life in 16 chapters, each one centered around a particular nun, novice or postulate. and each chapter is entirely devoted to describing a seclusionary convent as a hellishly, anti-godly, place of perversion against the human ésprit.

what is funny is that what the author describes as being particular to convent life, can equally apply to religious life in general. the same aspects of soul-trampling, domineering, objectifying, and idolatry, are not specific to any religious group, something that this author, a proud protestant who thinks that romanists cultivate the spirit of the anti-christ, totally ignores.

route less traveled

2008-08-08T11:57:00.002-05:00

once again, here's a link to libé's 400 culs (post date of 08/08/08). don't let the name of the blog put you off reading the article; it is fascinating.

to think that folks would actually actually actually prefer the false to the true. to the point of emptying one's wallet. living like a pacha? whatever. more like living in mme. toussaud's museum.

it is amazing. it is disturbing on a profound level.

personally, i think it has to do with high population to space ratios. remember those mice??

knee-jerk reaction = done.

more objectively. i think it's a very good solution for many marital problems. and for those of us who wish to have someone to come home to, but do not wish to deal with that someone's nonsense, this is also a very good solution.

i have one bone to pick with the makers though. where are les mecs?

rabies

2008-08-05T08:40:00.002-05:00

i am an angry bean today. (well, most days, to be truthful, but today in particular.)

the foment and ferment could be due to lack of sleep, inadequate nutrition, coupled with the stress of acting pleasant. but i will be honest and say it is fueled by honesty.

yes, friends and neighbors, this inherently duplicitous bean has run smack up against honesty. what a hateful word. implying openess and freshness of face. implying pastoral living and sheepcrooks.

i spit upon that image.

especially since you have crafted it.

once more i am compelled to put on the mask (they're all THE mask, no matter how many i have; variants on the same theme, if you will), but today my face is having a hard time fitting into the confines.

maybe if i cut off an ear...?

mystify

2008-07-31T09:31:00.000-05:00

socialization and conditioning. we are the right, we have the truth, we follow the way. come visit with us, be assimilated into our way of doing things. flies to sticky messes on the kitchen counter. whoops, i mean noses to full blown, heady roses.

i am confused/appalled/repelled by my 180 degree turn. apostate.

on est tombé. no. i am the one who has fallen.

to the cold depths wherefrom i am unable even to urge, motion you, towards light and warmth. i grab my crooked stick, warning you away from that elysian utopie, when i should be strewing your path with large frondy leaves.

beckett

2008-07-17T07:50:00.000-05:00

waiting for godot is a vastly interesting play. it centers on two men who wait for a third, but that third hasn't shown up as far as they remember, and they've been waiting for a while. but they still wait. and wait. and wait some more.

in a way, the play is as depressing as hell.

but in another way, the play speaks very strongly to hope and faith.

i'm still learning to wait for godot. because sometimes the time isn't yet. it may appear to be now, but sometimes i just have to wait. i'm still learning.

glancing blow

2008-07-09T15:39:00.000-05:00

my equilibrium took quite a hit.

i closed down as many ports as i could. i taped up the small cracks to prevent the wind from blowing through. i bought shrubbery to avoid the prying eyes.

did i recluse myself, hoping that in solitary devotions i would receive something of the divine? yes. and yea did i receive something indeed.

and yet here i stand, trembling, unable to decide. no, that's a lie. i made my decision, and i make my decision again. i just wish it would stick.

familiar

2008-06-30T15:50:00.001-05:00

absence... a void is not there for long, something always fills it; this is nature's way. a tree falls, leaving a space. moss fills the space, ferns fill the space, flowers, and finally another tree? why not.

an entire week of absence. and what has filled the space? a varied see-saw of hope and fear. dreams, illusions, what is the real? is the root strong enough? is there even a root?

she says the longing springs from the broken routine... is that all it is? should one search for anything more? is that enough?

need

2008-06-23T14:38:00.001-05:00

upon reflection, i need to have people love me. to have them demonstrate their love for me. i am the type of bean to throw gloves over the balcony into the lion pit and expect another bean to climb down, risking life and limb, to retrieve them. (not that i wear gloves, because i don't; i find them a little... outré.)

and the need to have les preuves d'amour is greater than my need to give them. i'd be quite content to be surrounded by love, and not have to return it.

shower me with love, but don't ask me to give you anything back.

yes. that is kind of bean i am.

éteindre le feu

2008-06-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

i was unaware that my thought lines were keeping me in needless captivity. i was seated at the fire, enjoying the shadows playing on the walls, but i refused to go outside to see the real thing.

and then my fire was doused and stronger hands than mine forced me to go into the light.

it burns, ah how it burns!

but even through the tears blurring my vision, perhaps i see that to be in the light is ever more satisfying than to be in the dark. perhaps i see that whereas i thought i was doing what was good, to feel the sun on my skin is more good.

to sleep, to dream

2008-06-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

mon cher, i dreamt of you last night. you put your arms around me and all was right with my world once again.

i asked you where you had been, and why the silence? and you had no answer but your smile and your warmth.

and then i woke up this morning. it was all a dream. you are still gone away, and all i have are tattered, crumbling fragments of memory that cut me when i think on them.

quote... sort of

2008-06-05T08:14:00.001-05:00

"damn it jim, i'm a doctor, not a [insert title here]!"

i always liked that line, even though i can't for the life of me remember how it ended or which episode(s) it came from.

most likely because i want to say it often enough that it could be my stress mantra. of course, i'm not a doctor. ...i tried to be, you know. but then my mind melted a little under the stress and i opted out.

security!

2008-06-02T14:58:00.001-05:00

right then.

a bit of a problem the other day. one of those "you're an idiot, no wait, i'm an idiot, no wait, can someone tell me what just happened here?" type of problems. it wasn't serious, but the after effects are sticking around much longer than anticipated. and i care, i really do. i just can't seem to make that caring get past the inside security check points to reach the blue sky outside.

and speaking of, security check points are seriously a pain. take off your shoes, take off your belt, take off your jacket, take off your pants. i mean come on, it's an x-ray machine, isn't it? you should be able to tell me what i ate for breakfast, even with my shoes on.

at any rate. mind-reading is hardly an exact science. perhaps that is the underlying issue.

not lucid

2008-05-19T09:47:00.000-05:00

je me trouve un peu coincé. je regarde par les fenêtres et je ne vois que des autres mûrs. je ne vois même le ciel. mais je sais que le ciel existe...

maybe because i did not sleep enough this weekend... perhaps the links between myself et l'autre. too much feedback isn't any good, no matter how positive/negative/neutral?

i find myself sliding down into le trou once again. this time it is a slow decline. et je le vois et je ne peux pas m'arrêter. and my head contains all of the waters in the world. je me noie.

stumble

2008-05-14T07:49:00.001-05:00

it's a funny thing, how one doesn't know what kind of support one actually needs until one reaches out and is denied that support. not a denial stemming from malice; one will give the benefit of the doubt and say it is a denial stemming from ignorance.

it is rather like walking into a door that one thought would have opened, or been already open. the sudden physical shock, the mental surprise, the faint chagrin, and the hope no one noticed. the resolution, perhaps subconscious, to make certain the door is open next time.

which brings one to the next point. continuing the door analogy, does one now avoid that particular port of ingress/egress? not saying one avoids the building altogether; that would be silly.

one discards the analogy, and asks the questions: is it a deal-breaker?, does one need to discuss the incident and the implicit "need" that was not met?

the funny flash-point words and phrases... i know i have mine. so does l'autre. sometimes it becomes difficult to speak due to the wealth of landmines inherent in the conversation.

...

and in other news, there will be a slight format change this month. from time to time i will be posting bits of my writing. i will tag them before and behind, so that the reader will have the choice to skip or not skip. as always, gare à toi, lecteur. if after reading, your eyes burn and water, do not blame me.

huis clos

2008-05-09T15:00:00.001-05:00

i'm still learning i guess. how to share myself without losing myself, that sort of thing. when to give, and when to say, enough.

i forget how tough it is to do that kind of balancing until once again i hit a wall. and most of the time, it is so tough that i wimp out and assume the position. yes, subsume, consume me. and i will move my face and body until we both believe that i am a willing participant.

and then afterwards, the familiar feeling of nausea...

today i found myself speaking with other people's voices. it was my mouth moving, but their tones, and their words. not that much of a surprise i suppose. if i can't find myself, if i don't try hard enough, if i default to being a chameleon often enough, this is the result. so many masks that the essence is lost, diluted to the point of impotence.

...en avaunt!

sea at dawn

2008-04-30T07:23:00.002-05:00

angst. anger. sadness. confusion. versus what? what is the opposite of angst, contentment? what about the opposing number for anger? i'm not sure. but i suppose happiness is the opposite of sadness, and clear-headedness the opposite of confusion. /end of digression you didn't even realize was in progress. lol.

i wonder if i am not the wrong bean to complement the bean i'm currently with. the bean is "in love," by its own admission. the bean is "greedy" for time with me, again outing itself. while i... i enjoy our time together, i care greatly for the bean, i would give my kidney and over 50% of my liver if the bean needed it, i am willing to change the way i grow for this bean. and at the same time, i enjoy my time away. i am not wanting to be with the bean all the time.

...what does all that mean?

am i lying to myself? is it the habit of years come into the forefront again, where i squish myself to the point of pain for the benefit/good of another, while ignoring the personal discomfort? or is it the fear that if i swim out past where i can touch the sandy bottom, that i will catch a leg cramp and drown? if i allow myself to be "in love" and ask for more of this bean, will i end up having to collect the already-broken-but-superglued-back-together-because-hope-springs-eternal pieces of myself one more time and try to fit them into some semblance of a whole?

dark glass

2008-04-09T08:16:00.003-05:00

it's been one of those 3-or-so-weeks. you know, the ones where i find myself less and less able to cope with the day to day vicissitudes. those perturbances such as getting out of bed and going to work, remembering to eat meals, and people saying hello. things like that.

so although thus far it hasn't made me feel any better, i have donated (yesterday and today) to a couple of charitable orgs. i figured it was better than heading to the hardware, shoe, or (insert fav place to drop cash), store.

not that i plan to donate while depressed on a regular basis, 'cause that would be all sorts of fiscally irresponsible. but i would like to give on a regular basis. you know, try and do my part, etc., etc.

looking out

2008-04-02T07:28:00.004-05:00

i'm on a train. one of those high-speed trains where the signs on the platform say: caution, runs quiet and fast. those signs are deceptive in a way. they don't quite carry the essence of the energy contained by one of those trains, especially if they are an express passing your station and you happen to be waiting. i have no question that if i stand too close i will be easily sucked over as the train goes by. and while the trains are quiet, as opposed to those lumbering cargo trains, it's a powerful quiet that leaves you breathless after it has passed.

i'm not on the platform though. i'm on the train itself, watching the scenery flow past. i'm riding in comfort and yet... i look forward to the destination with a delicious anticipation and yet...

couldn't we just stop the train for a moment? just a pause for me to catch my breath and maybe smell the air?

i'm drunk with travel and am stumbling over my feet.

back burner

2008-03-28T11:52:00.002-05:00

i am too much of a simpleton to have many things on the front burner of my head. usually i get by on a moment-by-moment schedule. i deal with whatever's fire is biggest and then continue down the chain.

however, lately a couple questions have fought their way up the chain. one in particular is plague-ing me fiercely.

so i struggle with depression. and pain (either muscular or skeletal, the jury is still out). and while i used to avoid pain meds, or meds in general, now i am stocking a pharmacy in my kitchen.

but what i wonder (from time to time, and obviously today is a time) is, how much of me is actually me, and how much is just the chemicals that i take to maintain?

it is a question that sometimes keeps me up at night. and sometimes drives me to the edge of rocking back and forth with my eyes staring blankly ahead.

off the fence

2008-03-04T11:16:00.003-05:00

on the subject of prayer...

who can tell whether or not the answer comes about as a result of divine interaction, coincidence, or mind-over-matter? i know i cannot.

and so i choose to believe that coincidences do not happen. ever. and i choose to believe in a divinity that works in ways beyond my comprehension, even to the point of giving us powers that we use only subconsciously.

i also choose to plant my faith in an entity that i have never seen in its entirety. i do believe that i have seen slices here and there, but to say i have seen the divine, in the same sense that i see the apple before me... no i cannot say that.

it's funny about choices...

at one time i put less emphasis in the active choosing. and now, right now, at this exact moment now, i believe in the power of choice. i choose you. and i reaffirm my choice when i see you, and even when i don't.

changin' times

2008-02-26T15:14:00.003-05:00

once upon a trip, i met a bean. a wonderful, beautiful bean with whom i fell madly in love. we planned on spending the rest of our days, and nights, together. when i was with this bean, i wanted to be someone better than i was. i wanted to become what i was intended to be; not stagnate, but transcend.

and then the relationship crashed like a tree gnawed by a beaver. i was as crushed as the beaver who couldn't do the math while gnawing the tree. i had to re-build my insides from jump. it was a fun time all around.

and now... now i have met a bean. a wonderful, beautiful bean. a bean who says that my being causes a desire to transcend, to become better.

honestly, i find it more than a little ironic.

ovines

2008-02-22T15:49:00.002-05:00

i never really liked the milk and cow analogy. and here's why:

--a cow will kick over the milk bucket, or kick you.

--a cow will swish its tail across your face and put dirt into the milk bucket.

this is what cows do. cows are messy; in both senses of the word. yeah i said it.

i actually prefer the fleece and sheep analogy. and here's why: i like wool better than milk. simple, eh? plus sheep are better looking. something about cows and their googly eyes...

at any rate, if i can get the fleece freely, can someone explain why i'd shell out my hard earned dinero to either buy the fleece or buy the sheep? if i can get the fleece for free, heck, why would i even rent the sheep? in fact, if the sheep will shear itself and wash the fleece, then give it to me with its blessing, darn it if i won't drive out of my way through snow to take that fleece thankfully. all without any sort of obligation.

and that, mes amis, is why sheep don't do such things. because they value their fleeces. oh wait, that's not why. sheep don't have opposable thumbs. that's why they don't do that.

counting with flowers

2008-02-20T09:42:00.001-05:00

j'attends la change. quand je deviens mieux que je suis maintenant. quand je deviens plus sûr de moi même et de toi. et de nous.

peut-être la douceur entre nous est parce que nous savons que ces moments ensembles ne font qu'un rêve. tu me l'as dit ce matin. je ne crois point que je rêve, mais j'ai du mal de croire que c'est la réalité, et que cette réalité continuera. nous. toujours nous? oui, je l'espère.

ce n'est pas à la folie, mais que je t'aime.

pareille à elle

2008-02-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

(except perhaps she does not blog. et ne me donnez point de question sur ma honnêté. je sais bien que je joue la hypocrite, ça se voit avec beaucoup de clarité.)

ce matin, ça fait un drôle de matin.

c'est mon corps qui fait mal. je crois c'est à cause de temps pluvieuses.c'est mon coeur qui fait mal. mais ce n'est pas la faute de la pluie.je me suis perdue. oui, encore....mes rêves me fuient, et me laissent dans le désert, seule avec le sable.

and now that i have squeezed out that morceau of mélancholie, i can continue my day with the regularly scheduled mask of nonchalance. glad i keep that one polished up and ready to wear.

ne plus être silent

2008-02-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

je ne suis pas morte. et je remercie beacoup quelqu'un très cher à mon coeur qui a cherché pour voir comment j'étais. je suis une mauvaise amie certainement, car des temps en temps je te traite comme des vêtements habituels. mais en dépit de cela, je t'aime comme mon coeur.

bienvenue au nouvel an, les amis. cette année on essayera de vivre, et de ne pas se laisser rouler par la vie.

here's why

2007-12-27T01:24:00.000-05:00

the honesty that calls the self-loathing
the loathing that responds to the call
the weakness of self
the salt in the wound
is the refusal to end it all

...

see, if i was strong enough, then i'd take the way out that is suicide. it's not a way that i recommend, but at least that way i could rest. if, as is said, death is nothing but sleep, then why not?

i am not as strong as they think i am. i can't do. i am not strong enough to stay to the decisions that i believe i should make. and so i hate myself. it's that easy.

but to actually end it. i am too much of a wimp to do so. and i hate myself for that as well. not enough moral fiber to act. it's a disgusting place to be.

fever?

2007-12-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

i'm sick.

unfortunately, while there are prolly drugs that i could take to remedy the situation, they are either illegal, or only made in the highlands of turkey by subsistence yak farmers. <--yeah i have no idea either.

if only i had taken the pie off the sill before it rained. darn rain. darn pie. darn window. stupid lost recipe; i can never make that pie again!

*off to seek annihilation*

...i always want to spell that (and the rest of the derivatives with only one n at the beginning)...

tick tick ticking

2007-12-10T08:50:00.001-05:00

my friend is married 4 years now. ...damn but that's a minute... *gotta let that settle a bit*

they just brought a youngling into the world this fall.

i remember being in grade school with the newly minted parental unit. time passes, eh?

some of us keep moving, and others of us are perpetually stuck in that stupid revolving door. around, and around, and around.

hand and mouth

2007-12-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

november is done. and i have once again reached the goal. it was a great month, full of stress, not enough sleep, and lots of writing loveliness.

in other news, ...some times the ritual appears more strongly than others. exhibit a = the sharing of bread and salt.

waffles

2007-11-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

food items on my list of good include waffles. waffles are good with syrup, or yogurt, or jams/jellies/preserves, or peanut butter. waffles are also good as a side for chili, and/or scrambled eggs. waffles should be crispy and they should not be soft.

...i had something more profound to say, perhaps on the comparison between people and waffles. but then the words went away. because people aren't like waffles at all. people are people, waffles are waffles, and i am other, when compared to you. we can be in close physical proximity, but that doesn't guarantee that i know what you are, and that you know what i am.

i wish we were as simple as waffles.

awkward

2007-11-26T16:16:00.000-05:00

awkward is a funny word. makes me think of misspellings and aardvarks, which makes me think of aardwolves. i think they are extinct, but i'm not sure.

i saw blades of glory for the second time this weekend. there is an interesting scene of awkwardness, the kissing and the sno cones, for those who have viewed. in spite of the awkward, i saw a bit of aww-how-sweet in there anyway.

and the above leads into --> there was a moment of awkward this weekend. no kissing was involved though, or any other messiness of the fleshy nature. it wasn't a bad awkward... and i rather hope that there was a small amount of aww-how-sweet in the middle of the forehead slapping *doh!, idiot!*

one of those

2007-11-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

yeah so i mock fanboys and fangrrls mercilessly. because it's fun. yeah.

unfortunately, today makes me realize that i am one of them. over at megatokyo, joy has come to the world in the form of a small one. and when i found out, all i could do was squeee. yes. i actually squeed. *deep sigh* ah how the mighty hath fallen.

in other news, i am finally admitting that the stress of my job is affecting my health. what am i going to do, you might ask? ...all i will say for now, is that i have a plan. yesssss...

hamlet

2007-10-22T07:49:00.000-05:00

there are always choices...

but like the translator said, you should do the cost-benefit analysis and make an educated decision. the cost-benefit analysis isn't that bad, but making the decision <-- that can be a hella big step.

stepping off into the void
blue above, blue below
endless fall
spread-eagled, enjoying the wind
no thought for the end
sudden stop or gentle decel?

my math indicates that it might be time to make a change. okay, let me be honest, my math indicates that there is a high probability that a change is in order. however, i am curious about the path that i thought i'd not choose. how far can i push myself? how long before my body fails me completely?

for me, for now, i choose: slavery. ironic, yes i know. but all the while, i will continue to sharpen my field instruments. when the revolution comes, i am ready.

squirrelly? perhaps

2007-10-11T08:15:00.000-05:00

i hoard things. bits of paper, usually receipts but not always. old bits of pencils, empty pens. i find it hard to get rid of things, even things that i know i won't use again (ex. directions to js's old apartment, operative word being "old").

i hoard food too. although it isn't as obvious as the mounds of paper, and bits of string that by this time could be made into a full-size tapestry of the last supper. ...okay, okay, a 3/4 size tapestry. it's like i think that if i don't have packets of sugar, or airline peanuts, or cans of diced tomatoes squirreled away somewhere, things will go badly. which is ridiculous. i have a job and i trust in god. therefore, all should be well. needs will be met, etc., etc.

i don't mean to hoard things, i don't start out thinking to hoard, but sometimes i focus and see that yup, i'm doing it again. either that, or those darn packets of ketchup from mcdonalds, or wherever, just keep multiplying!

anyway. here's an interesting blog post from a libé blogger. i agree with her sentiments. she wants to help others, but is disillusioned by the lies and the manipulations. plus, if we are enabling, how is that really helping anyone? i find myself wondering that. it seems to be a lose-lose situation. if i give, i'm not really helping, if i don't give, then i'm going to hell because i'm a selfish bastard.

tires & tyres

2007-09-26T08:57:00.000-05:00

date: july, latter part.

<-- looks pretty okay, yes? -->

but...

a bit of a rotation gives the below 3 pics.

the stringy stuff isn't soft, trust me.

and yes, i'm guessing the layer peeled off as if it were a banana.

xts

2007-09-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

my sense of alienation increases these past few days...

a greater sense of separation, and it gets harder to speak using the regular words because i don't feel that my fellows and i are using the same dictionary (meanings).

frost

2007-09-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

there is always a choice. perhaps i do not choose to see the choice explicitly, but that doesn't make it go away. so in the end, i have no one to blame but myself.

...i'd really like to blame the people who cut my balls off, but that is a whole different kettle of soup...

small things

2007-08-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

i suppose that not everyone can go around waving guns in the air, threatening others, or taking bottles of pills and then calling 911 on the conveniently close land phone (it's apparently easier to trace than a cell).

perhaps the rest of us do small things, like denying ourselves food, or deliberately have unprotected sex with new "friends," or secretly cutting ourselves where it won't be seen or noticed by our co-workers. stupid crap like that. it proves that we are alive and invincible, we are strong and in control.

possibilities

2007-08-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

i know it's old, but i just read this article about a guy finishing his ph.d after 30 years. he didn't consistently work on it for 30 years; he started it 30 years ago, and then took a break. a long break.

brian may is my hero! kudo's to you, sir.

small price to pay?

2007-07-25T09:27:00.001-05:00

riiiiight.

somehow i doubt this practise of taking a sharp implement to a delicate piece of equipment will be eagerly approached. sure they'll offer a local anesthetic to dull the pain. and they'll probably even tell the ones who have undergone the procedure to take something like advil to make them more comfortable ex post facto. however, the stomach-clenching, visceral, fact remains that the procedure makes the whole organ want to retreat to a safe place, probably close to one's esophagus.

my family is an advocate for circumcision, probably because we are lazy. lol!!! i mean it takes so much work to flip the piece of skin back to check on the cleanliness status. much easier just to get rid of it so keeping oneself clean becomes moot. joking! my family is not lazy. at least, you couldn't tell from the frenetic pace at which we all travel. but according to the patriarch (and it seems, modern medicine), not having that extra bit of skin helps both the owner of the organ and the owner's intimates stay healthy.

personally, i like it for aesthetic reasons. *wink wink nudge nudge*

more seriously, i wonder if the idea will catch on in the countries mentioned as "hotspots?" ...is there anyway to package it as a marque of pride? ...connect it to the marriage market? because otherwise, i see folks (= men) getting on the high, mighty, and morally outraged horse of, "of course i'm clean, and so are my intimates."

imo, the above is one of the most stupid equines to ride; doesn't get anyone anywhere except hanging from a stirrup by one foot, being dragged through the sand by the racing beast.

thankful

2007-07-18T07:34:00.000-05:00

working my way from the roof of the car, down to the front of the car.

to the right, there is a pic of the crack in the windshield, probably a little over 5 inches long. not to worry though, it will probably elongate as time goes by; it has already gotten longer between yesterday and this morning.

below, the windshield crack meets the gouge in the black rubber shielded whatever-that-is, and the gouge in the panel between the door and the body of the car.

3rd in line, we have the pterosaur scars as well as the lamp that is now missing its cover. kind of reminded me of when uncle geo's dog got its eye scooped out and it was hanging from the optic nerve. yeah the side headlamp was doing the same, but i managed to click it back together.

and lastly there is the long scrape that i did not notice until this morning. i saw it last night when the cops took the report, but i thought that i was imagining things. guess i was not.

...it could have been a lot worse.

une brie

2007-07-16T07:45:00.000-05:00

et avec cela, un morceau du pain, peut-être un peu du vin...

faut pas aimer les filles,
veux plus aimer les mecs,
quoi faire?

marcher seule n'est pas moche
mais des temps en temps on veut montrer ce qu'on a vu aux autres;
le désir de partager, voilà le piège.

well i guess it's a good thing that i don't have aspirations to be a poet...

le libération

2007-07-13T07:42:00.001-05:00

okay, i enjoy reading libé for the articles. this much is true. but the pictures that appear there are also what draw me.

for example, this one of a runway show for the "Nouvelles technologies et produits et sur la reproduction" expo. yes, mes amis, her dress is made from condoms, all shapes, colors, and sizes.

and this one also caught my eye. these folk are protesting against environmental pollution and the ubiquity of cars. worthy things to protest indeed. and since the people are wearing barely anything, i'm sure folks paid at least a little attention.

i like libé.

links

2007-07-11T08:18:00.001-05:00

i saw this article on man crushes linked over at applegeeks. <--great comic! and aido's comic is also really really good, but she hasn't updated in a hella long time. *sad sigh* i hope she goes back to regular updates soon.

at any rate, the article was funny because of the title and funnier because it is true. you should read it. yes, read it now. now!